Re-Arrange

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Sometimes I feel like I lost myself.

I have so many things that I love to do years ago but I kind of stopping most of them now. 
Due to what? Many reasons, or excuses to be exact.

I love to write. 
But I now dont.

I love to listens to lyrics. I dont just listen to the songs but the lyrics that gives impact to me because I love words. 
But now I dont.

I love to write poems and read them loud out.
But now I dont.

I love to write lyrics and impromptu words.
But now I dont.

I love to sing.
But now I dont.

I love to be high with novels, poems, reading till midnight.
But now I dont.

I love to be surrounded with words and be drown by them.
But now I dont.

I love to write so many things in my book and blog.
But now I dont.

I love to go for a walk at the park or random walks.
But now I dont.

I love to have random conversations and be stupid about it.
But now I dont.

I love to go outings for photo hunting.
But now I dont.

I love to jog and be sweaty and healthy.
But now I dont.

I love to go to tazkirahs, usrahs, knowledge ilm talks.
But now I dont.

I love to travel.
But now I dont.

I love to speak and share lots of things with people. I love to be open and be crazy like I used to.
But now I dont.

I love many things.
But now I dont.

I suppose it happened because I keep all inside me and bottled it up till one day I burst out and crying with no reason because I cant keep it inside any longer. I woke up and cry with only Allah watching, listening and be there where no one else will.

I dont blame motherhood. Really I dont (even sometimes I do question it). Motherhood is tough to tell the truth. But Motherhood is BEAUTIFUL MashaAllah. 

I know I am caught up with so many things in piles right after marriage up until now till I feel I dont have time to even breath in and digest things slowly. Things have been so fast and it makes it even harder for me to look back and takes all in one by one. 

I gave excuse to myself and I always wanted to rest because I am tired mentally and physically. With so many self-embarrassment, low self esteem and everything low that are there. To build it back, it takes time and support of course.

Somehow I dont have time/someone to really hear me out. Hear me out just once and help to get back in shape and let me be me who I used to be. The happy me who dont think about others too much, who dont think about negative things to much, the one who dont worry too much. Wow, theres too much words of "too much".

I have to re-arrange myself back. 

Be the one who I want to be. Choose to be someone I want to be. It may be hard but somehow I have to look at a brighter side.

Let's see.

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