Hey You, Happy Birthday.

Sunday, September 03, 2017
"Hey you, happy birthday".

I used to receive tonnes of messages right at 12 am. Maybe due to the exposure of personal details on social media. But as I distance myself from it, I received lesser messages--to a point where I can count how many really knows and care to even send a thoughtful text.

Well, the clock shows it s 12 midnight and here I am wishing myself a very happy birthday.

3rd September. You will always be my favourite day, month and year.


Sunday, August 27, 2017
27th February 2015 (Friday)

A sharing from Ayah dearest.

I shared something with Ayah. Not soon after, my phone rang giving a sign that a message is received. I opened it and started to wonder and without me knowing-- I teared up.

"In this world, just put on your smile when you come to notice of any shortcomings of yourselves and your spouses. We are indeed a reflection of a bountifully imperfect creature. Making lots and lots of mistakes. Unto Allah we seek forgiveness and to HIM we fully surrender".

Have you ever wondered if this is the life that you want to live in?

Do you think you are growing and living a life that you dreamed of since you were 10 years old? Having those dreams and thoughts of what kind of path you want to go and what kind of person you want to be?

To hope that everything that you planned goes smooth sailing without any hurdles and trials? To hope that whatever shortcomings you faced will not be as a hard nut to crack on? 

I do. 
I wonder and wondered till this day.



Sunday, March 26, 2017
May Allah S.W.T showers us with HIS blessings and barakah.

Time goes on like a sand clock which pass by in a blink of an eye. I cant even recall when was the last time I checked on the date of my marriage. It's nearing. I'm in my final semester and I freaked out. I did not know that it will be this hectic. To be honest, my parents organized everything from A to Z. Yes, A to Z. I did only 5% of the preparation. Mainly for the invitation card, the list of guests, fitting over and over again, helping with the hantaran and etc. But above all, my parents who worked their sweats off to make this possible. Just, for me. The stubborn daughter.

Bila diingatkan balik, memang saya rasa bersalah. Sebab saya punya contribution dalam financial part memang kosong. Zero I tell you. Iyalah, nak kahwin waktu tengah belajar. Tahun akhir pula tu. Apa kerja gila. Mana nak cekau duit banyak tu. Perbelanjaan pula menelan lebih kurang RM20 ribu. Gila kan? Saya rasa gila. Ikutkan hati, mahu buat simple sahaja tapi bila diingat, dengan tetamu lagi, dengan keluarga yang super besar lagi, the expenses are big. Tambah pula saya punya seorang Umi yang sangat detail orangnya dan mahu YANG TERBAIK buat anaknya. Berhabis duit dan mahu yang tercantik buat anaknya. Sebak bila diingat balik. Banyak budi dan jasa tak terbalas. Aduh, rasa macam anak derhaka pula bila flashback balik ni.

Satu perkara yang buat saya rasa sedikit tenang bila tunang saya waktu itu sudah bekerja. Jadinya Umi Ayah rasa lega sikit lah nak lepas anak dara dia dekat lelaki entah siapa siapa lah.

Let me remind you again, waktu ini saya di semester 5, meniti waktu untuk peperiksaan akhir. Berbaki beberapa minggu lagi nak bernikah, tambah pula dengan nak study, tambah lagi dengan nak siapkan assignments yang masih berderet nak kena submit. Argh! Those moments! Still, saya masih teruskan urusan harian saya macam biasa. Cuma pergantungan pada Allah tu melebih lebih melimpah habis dah saya rasa. Bermacam rasa yang bermain dalam hati dan fikiran. Rasa takut, rasa tak yakin, rasa "am I doing the right thing? Can I just end this thing?".

Okay to cut it short, when the date is getting nearer, I can say I RARELY texted my fiance, I just dont. I just say let's meet on the date and pray for the best. If he has anything to say or ask, just ask his mother to call my mother. I took a leave (students don't have a leave but this one is permission-granted kind of thing because of a valid reason, so I just have to write a letter and submit my assignment on time). I went back to Kuantan 2 days before my wedding day. With my beloved Farhany, we went back and had our own sweet time before the big day. It filled with tears, hugs and hopes.

I slept early that night on 24th October 2014. I remembered I put on a face mask and sleep. Tho I can't really have a good deep sleep (hey I'm getting married!) but, I managed to force myself to sleep and I eventually did. I woke up for fajr prayer and I get ready for the day. 

Finally, the day comes. My cousin painted my face early in the morning as the ceremony starts at 9:00 a.m. Antara memori yang paling meremangkan roma saya adalah bila my dear Farhany sat beside me and she read "Doa Rabitah". If you read the translation of the du'a, you will cry. It was beautiful and it really hit me hard when she says the prayers while I'm getting my make-up done. She said she cried. Saya? Bergenang airmata, tapi kena tahan habis sebab tengah make-up (Oh whyyy).

Fast forward to the ceremony. 

The living room was filled with packed of families and friends near and far. I just cant breath and my eyes were swaying here and there thinking what am I doing here and whats happening at that moment. I see him. I see my father sitting in front of him. I told myself, this is it. This is the moment. 

Sebenarnya perkara yang saya kesali adalah, bila saya sedar kurangnya masa saya dengan Umi Ayah saya. Seolah macam, I know they are there tapi saya rasa seolah tak habis lagi waktu yang saya nak bersama dengan mereka. Dalam sekelip mata saya dah nak diijab kabul and I will spend my life with the man later on. Saya rasa terkilan waktu saya lihat Ayah saya. I can see his face, looks so deep in thought which only God knows what.

Akad nikah sah setelah lafaz yang kedua. Kenapa? Bukan sebab pengantin lelaki. Tetapi sebab Ayah saya. Pada lafaz pertama, Ayah tak terluah lafaz yang sepatutnya. Seolah setiap bait perkataan yang perlu dilafaz tersekat di kerongkong Ayah. Tersekat-sekat suaranya. Sebak. Ayah menahan sebak dan airmata. Allahu. Waktu itu saya sedar betapa beratnya Ayah untuk melepaskan saya. Betapa banyaknya rasa dan perkataan dalam hati beliau yang mungkin tak sempat beliau luahkan pada saya, biasalah Mak Ayah kita ni bukan tak kisah, tapi tak reti nak meluah lagi lagi pada anak. 

Tok kadi tenangkan Ayah waktu ini. Lafaz kedua baru akhirnya Sah! Alhamdulillah. 
Saya menangis ke? Tak, saya tak menangis. Saya bergenang airmata masa lafaz pertama batal because of Ayah. Yang menangis beria tu, suami saya (ceh dah sah haruslah tukar panggilan kepada suami), teresak esak beliau menangis. Terbeban kot rasanya nak jaga saya yang keras kepala degil ini.

Everything felt so surreal. I cant believe myself. The moment he came to read du'a while putting his hand on my head made me realize that I'm not dreaming. I'm now a wife. A big responsibility is waiting ahead of me now. The list is endless.

Saya rasa momen yang buat saya sane semula bila waktu nak bersalam. Kekoknya Allah sahaja yang tahu. Bayangkan, holding a hand of a man yang I don't really know at that time memang rasa yang gila! But the moment I held his hand and kissed it, the feeling was so pure. Rasa macam Allah tengok, Allah redha. You know, that kind of feeling bila kita buat benda yang Allah suka instead of murka. That's the most priceless I think. Aside of me crying (like finally) when I hugged and kissed Umi Ayah, my in-laws, siblings and the list goes on and on. Habis make-up!

I can't thanked my parents enough for making it possible. They worked hard, they stressed out, the cash were stacked out from their account, and many more. O Allah bestow them all the happiness in the world and hereafter. Showers them with wealth and all the good things. I was grateful to all guests who came on that day. I thank Allah S.W.T for making it happened. It was a sunny bright day.

And so, my new journey begins. The reality of life.

25 October 2014. You will always be remembered. 
Allah S.W.T is the reason this journey started.
And I hope it ends for the sake of Allah and to be gathered again in his Jannah.