Monday, October 24, 2016
May Allah S.W.T showers us with HIS blessings and barakah.

I believe in handling all matters with the fullest dependence of Allah which I am sure that is where the barakah is. Jujur, saya sangat meletakkan pergantungan penuh saya kepada Allah. Sedang saya sendiri waktu itu dalam proses mengenali diri, memperbaiki diri, menyibukkan diri dengan pelajaran dan usrah serta program yang memerlukan diri saya dan masa saya yang sepenuhnya. 

After I gave him my answer, I gave him all contact numbers of my family members where approachable. My Grandpa, my grandma, my father, my mother and my sister. I told him to choose and decide directly with the family as I don't want any waste of time if he deals with me one-on-one. I learned to maintain my distance (which is hard because my beliefs in relationship is different than this one which I want it to be much more involvement of the family). Other reason why it is hard because I prayed and prayed for a relationship to start after the akad. It is soooooo hard for me at first! But I wanted something that will last (inshaaAllah) and to start a relationship which I can do so many things with my partner without worrying about Allah's hatred in a relationship with no purpose. So I set my purpose.

To get married to get Allah's blessings and barakah.

I told my husband that the highest hierarchy is of course my father but my grandpa is still healthy and our family will usually talk to him first mainly regarding on matters like this. 

After few months of giving him the contacts.

I got a call from my grandma saying there was a man coming to her house to meet her and my grandpa to talk about me.

That's it! He is serious. I let him do. I let him decide. Tho there were issues with my family and his family at first, but alhamdulillah everything went well. 

There were tears on the phone for almost everyday with my mother, my aunts, my close friends and there were other issues that I had to handle. Imagine having to handle so many things while studying. I do have my doubts back then when I thought of cancelling everything and just focus my study and future career but as much as I want to forget, Allah's plan is above all and I can't escape.

13 October 2013.

I got engaged. The first time he came in to see me which my aunt enthusiastically asked him to really look at me first before him and his family excuse themselves. I was totally freaked out only my cousins know how sweating my palms were!

Ramai yang tanya, dugaan sangat ke bertunang ni macam yang selalu orang canangkan?

Ya. Sangat dugaan. Apatah lagi tidak berkenalan/berhubungan. Terus diikat. Memang rasa mcm suffocated pun ada. Menyampah pun ada. Tapi itulah ujiannya. Nak tengok sejauh mana bergantungnya kita pada Allah dan terus menerus berdoa yang mana berdoa itu sangatlah mustajab sangatlah power. Kita je kadang tak berapa nak berdoa. Rugi tau!

I prayed hard and I studied hard. There were times I felt of cancelling everything and I still don't know how I managed to survive and be that tough through those times.

All I can say, banyakkan berdoa. Sibukkan diri. Sibukkan belajar/membaca tentang rumahtangga dan bermacam. Persiapkan diri sebaiknya. After all, be into marriage life is not a game where you can start and end whenever you like. But marriage is a lifetime commitment that we want to be long enough until Jannah. 

Sebab masa dekat dunia tak akan pernah cukup. Mesti nak bergembira bersama keluarga dekat syurga juga kan? 

Semoga Allah ampuni segala dosa kita dan letakkan kita semua dalam orang yang Allah redha.

The duration of engagement is agreed to be one year / two. Whichever comes first. 

What I did not know was, the date is nearing and I was preparing for my final exams. 

It's a nightmare. 


Friday, October 21, 2016
May Allah S.W.T showers us with HIS blessings and barakah.

Other main reason why I would like to be active in writing and blogging as one of the mediums, is because I would like to read it whenever I want to without worrying it gets burn, tear apart or any bad means. Because Internet, once we posted something, it stays there permanently. So be wise while using it, "klik dengan bijak" (okay iklan). Plus, it will be interesting if any of my family members can read and reminisce back about anything that I write. Especially my parents, my siblings, my husband and my son (when he wants to know more about his mother). Isn't that lovely? 

Saya memang suka berimaginasi perkara yang indah, perkara yang mampu buat saya sendiri rasa terharu dan bergenang airmata (sendiri buat diri sendiri menangis).

Marriage story with my husband is something that I have NEVER imagined. Why? Because I am married to the person that I don't really like in terms of who he is which I am wrong because I don't really know him by means how his family knows him. Boleh kata kalau nampak atau dengar nama dia, saya secara naturally akan mendengus "Oh, that guy lagi, boring and who the heck is he?". *note to concern this was me 8 years ago yang penuh dengan sangkaan yang tak baik, aduhh Nauzubillah.

I started my life in University in 2008, when I was 19 years old. I entered University a bit late because I was working after SPM which I dont intend to further study because I love my job at that time - A Personal Assistant to the Dean of Kulliyyah of Dentistry, UIAM Kuantan Campus. Who wants to let go of that position right? But I decided to further my study when my former boss, Dato' Termidzi urged me to further my study with one sentence only - "education is what will make you useful to other people who is in need". 

And so, I entered UiTM Jengka Campus taking Diploma in Office Management & Technology (OM114) , the code at that time. Quite famous course ni I'm not sure myself why but maybe because the course insist the student to always groom themselves to look neat and presentable as we are going to work in a corporate setting later on.

It was 2008 I entered the Campus. On 2009, the students are required to attend a programme which is compulsory for every semester in order to complete the Diploma. When I was in my 2nd semester, I attended the programme. It is more like a one day course to motivate you, to brief about what to expect in the working life later on. The students will be divided to groups which included varieties of students from different courses. 

This is the time where I met my husband. He was in the same group with me.

I noticed him but I don't really pay attention to him that much. Because I was with someone else (read boyfriend) at that time. I remembered that he wore a black T-shirt, jeans with a spectacle. Typical look for nerd student (kahkah). He looks like a Chinese and he does look like one.

The programme ends. So does the moment that I have with him during that one-day programme. No eye contact, no conversation made. End.

I go through my days like usual, study, exams, tests and so on. But because Jengka Campus at that time is not that big eventhough it is big but you will eventually meet the same person and I can say I can recognize the students from my batch. OH ya, my husband and I are from the same batch - 2008.

I did see him from time to time like bumped into each other at programmes, bumped into each other at 'bandar', bumped into each other with our friends and thats it. Sekadar bumped into with a simple waving or hye-ing. I do have his cell number at that time but I just saved it and had several conversations mainly on friends matters. Member punya hal and so on so forth. Then the number stays there for years of not contacting each other.

Completed my Diploma on 2011. Ended my 2++ years cintan cintun relationship. End.

On 2012, I further my study at UiTM Shah Alam for my Degree. Taking Bach (Hons.) Applied Language (English for Professional Communication). Had my classes, usrah, programmes. I took quite some time alone after Diploma because that was the time I was battling with my inner self to be a better me (hijrah). I packed my schedule with activities from dawn till midnight so that I have nothing to worry for the world and only care for my akhirah.

Nearing the end of 2012, somehow saya tersalah tekan nombor tanpa tengok nombor siapa. 

"beep, beep".

"Assalamualaikum". Rasa nak berderai jantung masa tu. Lelaki mana pulak ni angkat telefon. Tengok skrin NADZRUL NORAJA. Allahuakbar. Rasa nak pengsan. Bila masa pulak ada nombor dia lagi ni. Terkubur lama dalam contact list.

We had few chats on asking how are you and what are your updates. He said that lama tak nampak dekat Twitter dan Facebook. I told him I deleted all the accounts. And he said all the best for your Degree.

After several months

One day, he texted me asking about my status. Which means dah berpunya atau tidak. I said no. And he started tell me what his intentions was. I said give me some time to think and pray.

After several months from the day he texted me, I gave him my answer.


Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Yes, I married at 24 and became a mother at 25.  All seems pretty quick to me because I do not expect and plan to have baby that early. Like 1/2 weeks after our marriage *palm face. Hehe. But alhamdulillah all praise to Allah The Most Loving. HE knows exactly when to allow a baby to live inside me for 9 months. If HE says early, then early it is for me. I was expecting to have some alone moments with my husband first because we dont date and got married straight away so I thought that maybe I can have that "dating" moment with him before we decided to have babies. But nahhh! It didnt happen that way. 

The reason I didnt expect for early baby was because I was still a student at that time. Moreover, I was in my final year. Final year ladies and gentleman. What else would I ask other than to have a 100% focus and to graduate with the best class. That 1 year transition of becoming a wife and a mother is not easy. Tak mudah dan sangat mencabar lagi-lagi dari segi emosi. Hormones imbalance, endless assignments, living far from husband were such a torture for me at that time. No one can really say "I feel you" unless they are facing the same situation. Even my friends said they were really worried if I can handle the pressure and advising me to take a year off meaning I have to extend my semester. Ohho NO its not happening. 

I am more willing to go through the process rather than to just sit, relax and not studying with the same classmates ever again. I do not want to make my pregnancy as an "excuse" for me to sit back and do nothing. I would love to experience it. Plus, when will I ever experience being pregnant while studying right? 

Masa remaja muda-mudi dulu pernah la terniat juga nak merasa mengandung waktu belajar walaupun masa tu tak tahu kahwin dengan siapa, kahwin umur berapa dan macam-macam lagi. Tak sangka la niat tu pun kalau selalu niat, jadi doa, bila doa inshaaAllah Allah makbul ye tak? Hehe *gatai please

The process that I went through up until now is a process that I myself couldnt really digest well because it happened too fast and I barely have time to sit and reflex. 

Engage (still studying)
Married (still studying)
Pregnant (still studying)
Deliver baby (still studying and I was in the middle of having to present my thesis some more!)

I am smirking right now thinking back on the long journey that I had *because I still think its crazy! I experienced most of it while I was pregnant. What a gift Subhanallah and I am grateful to be the chosen one tho I honestly must say that it is HARD. 

I can only pray to be given the strength and help to get through each phase one by one. Thus, I am so excited to share the journey from A to Z plus some tips, advices, experiences and many more. I did write on my book but to document it here would not be a harm anyway!
Self Update


Sunday, October 09, 2016

Well hello there! *sweep dust uhuk uhuk! Hello? Anyone there? Of course not! It has been months my goodness what happened to me? Anyway, I'm feeling excited as my blog layout has a new face! Thanks to ehem my dearest soleh husband for helping me out!

I have this disease of not wanting to do something if it doesnt pleases me. Example my blog layout hasnt change since the first time I signed up for this blog! Imagine that. I somehow felt a bit unmotivated I can say because I dont feel energetic. You know sometimes there are things that boost up your spirit to do something. I feel happy now. The layout looks white and cleaner and neat! 

I finally decided to get back on track in writing. The skill goes a bit dusty tho. Bila lama tak menulis memang akan rasa semacam je yang tak kena. Biasalah, nak susun ayat lagi, nak cari topik lagi, nak make sure bila baca balik rasa fun. Plus, I can consider this as my journal. Unofficial one *duhh, perasannya!

Bila skrol balik post yang lama, rasa macam *hmm how should I put this. Rasa tak percaya ada like "did I wrote that?", and some I felt like "mann where have you been Aliah, I havent seen this side of you now where are you?". Rasa yang sama bila kita tengok diri kita balik yang positif, dan kita harap kita masih kekal dan ada rasa sebegitu. Tapi, people change and so do I. It feels good tho to recall back on those times. Few posts deleted because I feel ashamed of it bila baca! *hahaha so funny lah the old me.

I'm excited because I have so many things to share, so many topics to touch on and so many experiences that I would like to share. I personally love stories such as experiences because they are REAL! One by one and rasa macam pelik juga bila tak introduce apa apa then terus masuk macam macam cerita kan? Tak apa lah. Slow-slow, mudahan apa yang ditulis bawa kebaikan dan semoga menjadi saham akhirat ye dak?

Jumpa nanti lah kita story lebih sikit. 

Shed The Burden

Wednesday, March 09, 2016

Today I managed to shed off some old clothes and unworn clothes of mine to be given to charity. I feel light. As if the burden are shed off from my shoulders. I have been wanting to let go all a while a go but I didnt  work hard enough to find my own time amidst the busy everyday life schedule of a housewife.

But I did it. I did shed off some of my clothes. My closet looks neat and tidy.  I feel content. I feel light.

When I look back on what I did today, cleaning my closet, I imagine if I can shed off my burden in this world just as easy as that. Isnt it great? But I know it can never be easy. As known, this world is just temporary. We can never neglect what have been assigned to us in this world. As a servant, as a human, as a daughter, as a wife, as a mother and the list never ends. Our rights, other people's right on us and many more. We have so many things to do.

I am juggling here and there with myself and with the so-called burden that I have. To make it positive and more motivated, I change the "burden" to "challenge". Any challenge somehow can become a burden if the person is not able to finish it. And so do I. I always look at things as burdens and I tend to be negative towards it. It is hard. To change into something that I can take things positively and be patience towards it.

To mend broken pieces that I have before this is truly a hard work and I pray/ed a lot that Allah s.w.t will always help me go through it till the end.

Pray for me!
The Late Marwan

Are You There? I Am Still Here

Monday, March 07, 2016
Assalamualaikum Marwan.

I found myself crying over memories of you. 

I used to tell all my stories and worries to you. Till one time I stopped doing that thinking I can survive on my own but I was wrong. I dont get the chance to spend our time together talking non stop about our worries, dreams, new things that we learned, hopes and the list never stops. Right Marwan?

I realized I tend to keep lots of things to myself and I found it hard to let it out because I hardly have the strength to tell all without crying. Remember whenever we talk, I'll cry at the end of the line?

No one knows how big your impact in my life was. BIG enough till I always feels the pain in the chest for not being able to let everything out. Suffocated enough that I always cry thinking of how much I miss you. 

Never one day I miss of sending my gift to you; Al Fatihah Marwan. Never I miss a day. I hope you get all my gifts everyday and you will be happy and loved there Marwan. I really do.

Allahurabbi, Allahu Ya Rahman, I miss this servant of yours dearly. Dearly I miss...

Muhammad Marwan bin Mazlan | 1990-2014
Al - Fatihah


Saturday, February 20, 2016
Sometimes I feel like I lost myself.
I have so many things that I love to do years ago but I kind of stopping most of them now. 
Due to what? Many reasons, or excuses to be exact.

I love to write. 
But I now dont.

I love to listens to lyrics. I dont just listen to the songs but the lyrics that gives impact to me because I love words. 
But now I dont.

I love to write poems and read them loud out.
But now I dont.

I love to write lyrics and impromptu words.
But now I dont.

I love to sing.
But now I dont.

I love to be high with novels, poems, reading till midnight.
But now I dont.

I love to be surrounded with words and be drown by them.
But now I dont.

I love to write so many things in my book and blog.
But now I dont.

I love to go for a walk at the park or random walks.
But now I dont.

I love to have random conversations and be stupid about it.
But now I dont.

I love to go outings for photo hunting.
But now I dont.

I love to jog and be sweaty and healthy.
But now I dont.

I love to go to tazkirahs, usrahs, knowledge ilm talks.
But now I dont.

I love to travel.
But now I dont.

I love to speak and share lots of things with people. I love to be open and be crazy like I used to.
But now I dont.

I love many things.
But now I dont.

I suppose it happened because I keep all inside me and bottled it up till one day I burst out and crying with no reason because I cant keep it inside any longer. I woke up and cry with only Allah watching, listening and be there where no one else will.

I dont blame motherhood. Really I dont (even sometimes I do question it). Motherhood is tough to tell the truth. But Motherhood is BEAUTIFUL MashaAllah. 

I know I am caught up with so many things in piles right after marriage up until now till I feel I dont have time to even breath in and digest things slowly. Things have been so fast and it makes it even harder for me to look back and takes all in one by one. 

I gave excuse to myself and I always wanted to rest because I am tired mentally and physically. With so many self-embarrassment, low self esteem and everything low that are there. To build it back, it takes time and support of course.

Somehow I dont have time/someone to really hear me out. Hear me out just once and help to get back in shape and let me be me who I used to be. The happy me who dont think about others too much, who dont think about negative things to much, the one who dont worry too much. Wow, theres too much words of "too much".

I have to re-arrange myself back. 

Be the one who I want to be. Choose to be someone I want to be. It may be hard but somehow I have to look at a brighter side.

Let's see.